probably a bit insensitive

I got to university the other morning and in the courtyard in front of the library there was an unconscious girl on the ground. An ambulance had parked itself nearby, the paramedics had set up some sort of monitoring equipment, and a foil-blanket of sorts was draped over the girl’s body. Blood was dripping from her head and nose, and her friend was squatting next to her, in tears, clutching a mobile phone in her hand.

I asked the squatting-girl what was wrong, but she didn’t look at me. The paramedics shuffled around me to get more equipment out of the ambulance, and I asked her again what happened to her friend. No answer.

Then you’ll never guess what happened. Her phone started to ring, and it played the theme to Welcome Back Kotter. It was an MP3 file or something, it had the words and everything. Anyway, she wasn’t answering it. She was just hunched over, staring at her friend, and crying. I thought I’d lighten the mood a bit so I sang a few bars. I must have sang it pretty loudly, because the old paramedic lady glared at me for a bit, and then told me to stop singing.

I didn’t mean to, but I completely burst out laughing. The whole situation just seemed so absurd. In hindsight, though, laughing was probably a bit insensitive.


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I’ve never stopped watching you, @fart

I’ve never stopped watching you, @fart. And I revel in this moment. Buzzfeed. “LOL”. “win”. “omg”. Is this what you wanted? Ensconcing yourself in irony for years, honing a style, leading a movement, only to emerge for.. Buzzfeed? You pal up with Fogelnest and decide that’s reason enough to cast off your ambition? That you’ve “made it”? Egg man? Don’t you remember your origins? How ridiculous you’d find this article not more than 9 months ago? @robdelaney, the visage and mascot of Weird Twitter, knows not the magic he plays with. Hamming it up for a rag like this is expected from him. He promotes himself reflexively. But you? Shame on me for expecting better.

While you parade around for reddit-tier Buzzfeed, I live life authentically on a dairy in Utah as an apprentice cheesemonger. I make the cheese. Do you know the discipline and precision required to make the cheese? Maybe. Once. When you understood what it meant to be discerning, what it meant to sweat. What it meant to be proud of what you do. To crave achievement. Now, though. “trashy”. “fail”. “wtf”. What happened?


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first time message in a bottle sender here

hey guys..first time message in a bottle sender here *ppl of mar de ajo/various other argentinian coastal cities chase me around with pitchforks screaming “kill the noob”* Ahhh lol.but for real, im a big fan of putting words on the sea, my name is kat (OMFG A GIRL ON TEH BOTTLE MESSAGEZ!!!!111!!!1!!one) and i hope to be hanging around here and washing up with other surprisingly cool ocean trash again soon


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here comes the ATOMS!

Oh boy here comes the ATOMS!!!! crowd! Oh HERE COMES THE ATOMS ONE ONE ONE ELEVEN !!!!! ONE ONE ELEVEN ELVEN ONE ONEON*nuclear holocaust is beginning, speaker ignites, sound of 7,000,000,000 simultaneous Howie Screams fills the air, time ceases forever, chaos reigns, there is no more tomorrow, a boy and his dog walk through burned America, everyones wallet is full of blood, Death destroyer of worlds descends from the sky on a chariot of tiny birdskālo’smi lokaká¹£ayaká¹›tpravá¹›ddho lokānsamāhartumiha pravá¹›ttaḥ…… or maybe nuclear power is actually safe? fucktards.. r->c->p


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Catpicture Showdown Emporium

Listen up you uncooperative fuckers, here are the new rules for the Catpicture SHowdown Emporium

  1. no pictures of water mammels
  2. check your jpegs at the door! break my tables and you are fucking banned for ever
  3. no words
  4. only post pictures of cats. how. many. time. do. i .have. to .saythis
  5. post no words
  6. dont poast any words!!! only catt pitcures!!!! jesus fucking christ you retarded fucking people
  7. if someone else think its `clever’ or `funny’` to post something thats not a cat picture i
  8. will fucking dest
  9. roy them
  10. no talking about lunch, or breakfast, or anything thats not a cat picture
  11. deviate a fucking millimeter from these simple god damn rules and i will ban you without a moments hesitation or remorse as i have so many before you
  12. try it. fucking try it
  13. do it i swear to god see what fucking happens
  14. HAVE FUN!


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Jim Hondrin

Jim Hondrin is perched atop the 33rd story window of the magnificent new Egg Building. Cutting across the foggy San Francisco skyline, the gleaming skyscraper is the latest acquisition in the 34 year old’s global Weird Twitter empire. During our conversation, he stops talking abruptly to post sentences on his pink-rimmed iPhone like “grips milk jug” or “mysterious dogcube rediscovered outside cairo”. With a wry, doughy smile, he tells me that Weird Tweeting takes discipline, and “just a little bit of epic randomness”.


Categories: Fiction  /  Tags:

I’d heard Archer was good

Oh man, fun story: I’d heard Archer was good so one day I decided to give it a shot. Now I live abroad, so the websites I use are kinda rough around the edges. I go on and find the show, go to the first season, and then pick the first episode listed. Season 1, episode 1 right? Might as well start from the beginning. So it starts, I sit down, plug in my headphones, and boom, velociraptor. There is a velociraptor on the show. No one seems to care, they talk to it, treat it like anybody else. It doesn’t talk, just screech and grunt. It’s awesome, best show I’ve ever seen. I don’t understand the plot, but it’s awesome.


Categories: Reality  /  Tags:

mean mugging coach

In grade 10 i blazed up and took Jack3d and went to gym class, we were doing fitness testing that day and it was the distance running test, and the coach running the test said “My moneys on that guy ha ha” and pointed to an athletic black teen, so i just started mean mugging the coach as I run laps. All the fat kids drop out first, im still mean mugging the coach each lap. The fitness levels are going up, level 8, level 9, soon im the only kid still running, its level 14, 15 and all the ppl are watching. My heart was poundeing and i kept running until i passed out and when i woke up I was at home listening to primus on my wireless Sennheisers


Categories: Fiction  /  Tags:

the motherfucking goddamn beatles

On the day they make weed legal, they should also make The Beatles playable from all devices easily and however you want. All the problems fixed, just you and the motherfucking goddamn beatles


Categories: Reality

I didn’t get laid that night.

In college the RA on my dorm floor kept a cardboard box with condoms in it attached to the wall just above eye level by his door in the hallway. I had a date one night and slyly grabbed a rubber out of the box as I was walking down the hall and quickly put it in my pocket. Fast forward the that night and the moment has arrived. We are naked under the sheets in the dark and I reach into my pants pocket for the jimmie hat. I open it under the sheets and get powder all over my fingers and it smells like poultry. Confused I turn on the light and its a Ramen noodle flavor packet. I didn’t get laid that night.


Categories: Reality