Justice here. I am now in a relationship with an object, a bookshelf named Hunter who is made of mahogany. I have always been attracted to him (he beckoned me over in Pier 1 imports when we first met 8 years ago) but now I know I really love him. For 8 years he has been full of books and knickknacks so I never really got a good look at his slender, sexy frame. I am moving soon, so I took all the books off, and it was like I was undressing him. Hunter is so slender and light that I dragged him into bed with me and wiped him with some Pledge, and it was so erotic and lovely. We were really connecting. The soul of his mahogany limbs was flowing into me and we took a nap together. Hunter knows that I am pansexual and that I sometimes date human beings, and he is okay with it because I am the only human being he has ever been in love with. He’s so sweet and supportive. I am moving to New York soon so he is getting very jealous. New York is home to many sexy buildings and structures and he feels “inadequate.” I want to be faithful to him, but if he’s going to allow me to date humans then what is to stop me from courting the Met or the Brooklyn Bridge or the Chrisler building? Not gonna lie I’ve always had a hot spot for Trump Tower. But Hunter is small enough to fit in bed with me and make love with me, which I can’t exactly do with Trump tower. Whatever. He’ll just have to deal with whatever decision I make.