224 articles Articles posted in Fiction

i’m actually using tech to solve the issue’s of today 

[mysterious loyall X walks into a room full of shit heads wearing the v for vendetta head and saying anime crap and playing smash, and i’m dangling a chome bag from mah bellah and a fat gross hmong woman is bY my side] oKAY every. FIRSt things first. i’m actually using tech to solve the issue’s of today , whihc is why i have this sick ass bag with a seat belt on my chest[pointing to the german egale sphinx belt buckle on my dippy ass bag full of aoli sauce or whatever] aND a huge fat hmong wife who looks like a pug dog and talks like the martians from mars attacks and who won’t have sex with me until sh e finishes her mba from prestigious golden gate university night program for working adults.

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whats up fonzy bitch

it sucked before internet gave us interactive social forums and stuff, you basically only had tv, which was non-interactive so you couldn’t turn on the tv after years of not watching it and say whats up fonzy bitch i stopped watching your show for ten years because i got a life.. i see you are still here in your show happy days fucking nerd

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sherlock holmes walked in, paused, and looked me up and down

A slight crooked smile played upon the famouse detective’s lips – even after all these years, he still had a flair for the dramatic, and relished the chance to show off his talents. “Elementary, my dear chap. First, the angle on your trousers’ pleats is quite high, and appears to have been adjusted from a sitting position, probably while cross legged. A precarious position – for most men. This tells me that your dick is incredibly small, and that youve probably never had sex. From the callous on your thumb and forefinger, we can deduce that you jack off to hentea manga every night, and that you occasionally do it wrong and accidentally hurt your small dick. Here, we can extrapolate to how retarded you must be. Finally, from your gayness I can deduce how much of ahomo you are.” The detective paused, stood back, and smiled rakishly, but not unkindly. His ever-present confidante spoke up: “No matter how many times I see you do it, Holmes, it still amazes me. Extraordinary.”

Holmes walked up to me, peering intently at me for some time before pointing at my chest. I stood, awkwardly, unsure whether or not I should speak. “There are traces of what seems to be a type of soil local to the Spanish countryside on your shirt”, he remarked, after a period of silence, “Have you, by any chance, taken a holiday abroad recently?” “What? No, I-” I looked down at my shirt, to confirm Holmes’ observation, but was swiftly interrupted by the man’s finger sharply moving upwards, against my chin and mouth before flicking my nose. Dr. Watson shook his head, flabbergasted. “Remarkable. Truly remarkable.”

Holmes slowly walked around the perimeter of the scene, taking mental note of each suspicious nook and cranny. A most peculiar mystery – a pile of butchered pig organs had been discovered inside at Westminster Abbey, soiled with what officers at the scene reported to be human excrement. To make the case even more perplexing, this disgusting tableau was found inside the locked vestry, with no-one inside. No escape, no suspect, and no motive… a classic locked room case. Holmes reached into his pocket, withdrew his trusty magnifying glass, and began to take a closer look at the pile. For nigh-on fifty minutes, he examined the mound of viscera from every conceivable angle, taking great care to check every inch. Finally, he stood up straight, straightened his jacket, and pointed confidently at the pile. “That’s me”, the legendary detective announced

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Funny computer joke for programmers

A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another. A lady walking by notices him and says

“Hey, don’t you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn’t you see the giant warning on the box?!”

“That’s OK” says the guy, puffing casually “I’m a computer programmer”

“So? What’s that got to do with anything?”

“I’m the world’s gayest and most retarded piece of shit. I’m so pathetic and no one likes me. I smell really bad all the time and I hate eating vegetables but I love computers sooo much… my tiny ichthyosis dick gets hard when it sees a fresh new computer screen or high tech gadget”

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Not being humiliated at supermarket

The can switcheroo
Me: Excuse me, do you know where the cans are.
Shop worker: in aisle three sir… uhh, do you seriously not know where the cans are? That’s really embarrassing.
Me: Actually, I do know where the cans are. I was just testing you to see if you knew, to keep you on your toes. And hey – good job.

The ol’ pasta sauce gambit
Shop worker: Excuse me sir. I rushed over after hearing the sound of glass breaking, and I note that you are now standing next to a smashed bottle of pasta sauce. Could you please explain what happened.
Me: Sure – a big guy smashed the pasta sauce and ran away. He was really fast, so you probably won’t catch him.
Shop worker: Ah, word up sir. It’s a pity I didn’t get here in time to catch the culprit.

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Birdwatching Quiz

1. have you ever seen a bird before
a. No
b. Yes – and i Fucking Hated it
c. I was filled with glee

Mostly as: your not a birdwatcher
Mostly bs: your not a birdwatcher
Mostly cs: congratulations, you just might be a birdwatcher! People hate you while you look at birds.

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I basically hate everyone, lol.

Hello, retard here. I basically hate everyone, lol. I am unable to say things like “Man what an awesome play,” while watching the game because I find it too boring to watch — I have no interest in makeing due references to pop culture phenomena, like saying catchphrases or talking about a players stats. I lack the cognitive capacity to carry on a small conversation or appreciate the novelty of briefly interacting with another human being. I cant even laugh and be like “lol, excelent commercial” because I despise the cunts who skate through college and suck their way up the corporate dick ladder so they can make an advertisement with a funny “premise” or slogan that they probably thought of 5 minutes before the big meeting because they were out gold digging for a nice rich cock instead of working on their project that night. Fuck this culture, fuck your team I hope they lose, and fuck u. Your favorite player is a faggot and your gay. Die die die die die die die I hope you get roofie raped and then shot in the back of the head at the night club, which I wish I coukd rig with C4 and laugh from a roof top as I blow it up with a sick remote just like the Punisher does in Punisher 2003 and laugh hsterically as all the drug addled and drunk retards scram around mindlessly crying for their lives and saying stuff like “What kind of sicko would do something like this.”. I would, and just did, you retarded fucking sheeple.,

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never lived with an s/o before

Hi e/n, well I’ll get right to it, I’ve never lived with an s/o before and there are three main areas with which I need advice

1. the toilet seat – we’ve all seen the sitcom jokes but I think it could be an actual problem

2. How can we best keep our autonomy in such close quarters without shutting each other out completely?

3. My two cats (Terezi and Jake the Dog) take dry food three times a day and wet food twice a day (day divided into thirds and halves respectively) while his cat (Expensive HDMI cable) takes a dry food/wet food mix Mon-Fri and wet four times In weekends. When Expensive HDMI cable hears a loud noise, she immediately runs to an adjacent room that contains no cat and urinates. <see Appendix 1: rules for urination> If a room contains two cats, each cat will become agitated, unless an adjacent room contains a third cat. Each cat MUST change rooms upon agitation unless it has recently eaten wet food

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the exact moment we fell in love

Thinking about it, I can probably pretty much pinpoint the exact moment we fell in love with eachother. She was pretty bummed about losing her adorable fukken catte a few weeks ago, but I was able to surprise her one day by showing up at her house along with the missing beast. You wouldn’t believe how excited she was. I’m an amateur taxonomist, so I exhumed it and stuffed it for her. She half-jokingly threatened to call the police to come and shoot me to death if I didn’t go away (I assume she was just joking/hinting at me that she wanted to spend some time alone with the cat).

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Hacker Truthen

Hacker Truthen came to on the balcony of the octoballoon with sunlight caressing her ebony skin and a major fuckoff headache pounding in her head. A hairy arm was gently shaking her, and she halfheartedly attempted to bat it away before realizing who it was attached to: the hyperchimp Sir Eddleton was squatting by her, grinning beneath his prismatic monocle. “Ah, you’ve finally come ’round! Splendid. That necrogoblin ambush was frightful to say the least, you took a nasty blow from one of their hell-cannons before I could fend them off.”

“But how?” She mumbled dully.

“Why, this of course!” Sir Eddleton raised the arm that wasn’t gripping her shoulder, showing off the brass pneumatic rivet rifle that had been grafted onto it. “While you were upgrading your cyblade in town, I visited the local shaman and got this magnificent machination attached to my flesh and mind,” he said, tapping his head for emphasis.

Hacker nodded thoughtfully. Impressive. Though the hyperchimps are less than adept with modern technology, their connection to the natural world gives them powers over magic that the “advanced” humans had forgotten long ago… And it seems like I can trust this one.

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