every day after school my “sperm donor” (what i like to call my “dad”) would make me get down on all fours and then call Rockwell (dog) over and make it put its head over the back of my neck to show that it was larger/more dominant than me. “looks like Rockwell is still the top dog around here,” he’d say. “Kentucky Fried Chicken for Rockwell tonight, wet food for all homo sons.” he also taught Rockwell (very vocal malamute) to say “i love you” because “it meant nothing coming from me”

when i was 11 and it became clear i wasn’t very good at sports, my dad installed a trophy case in my room. every year he would buy me a new huge trophy engraved with something like “WORLD’S SLOWEST HOMO” and “#1 DISAPPOINTMENT SON” and “CHAMPION FAG AT NOT CATCHING BALL”