21 articles Tag squishyfish

Here’s a few more quests,

  • The Squash Eater: Eat a squash
  • Abstinence-only: Never eat a squash
  • Public Squash: Eat a squash on the bus
  • The graveyard squash party: Throw a secret squash party for your friends in a graveyard. everyone consumes a squash. we enter into a silence pact. the trees are our witness. a screaming comes across the sky. blood seals our ethereal bond
  • Tiny squash: Eat a tiny squash
  • SquashsauqS: Eat two identical squashes
  • Squash Hunt: Hide a squash in a rest stop
  • Indian Bath: Slime a squash in the tub. Squirm around in it until you die
  • Bark Squash: Give a squash to a dog
  • Squash Bark: Give a dog to a squash
  • Cryptosquash: 218da42c55f58683f88e118dd7aef4c795b1abde
  • Endgame: Eradicate squash from the face of the earth. You have attained eternal life and dominion over all easily stored winter vegetables


Categories: Fiction  /  Tags:

Barnacle Jim’s Funeral

priest – if you wish to view the body please make sure to use your oxygen mask once you reach the upper slopes of the chin

sister – i dont exist because my fetus merged with yours in the womb to form your freakish god damn face. im going to rape you all day with my barbed penis in heaven forever until you die again

funeral director – that will be $599.95 for the coffin extension i had to custom fabricate just for your retarded motherfucking dead ass family member

director of gay longness, gay longness institute, oakland ca – thats it guys, we can all go home now. nothing will ever be that gay and long again

mom – I’m ashamed of my son.He is a gay bitch with a long face. He rode bikes and was a virgin til the day he died. Fuck you Jim.I’m glad you died faggot. You suck, fucker

dad – I wanted to fuck him..I’m the fag he got the gay gene from. God damn that fag fucker had a long ass face. I think I will jerk off while imagining pulling out of his ass and cumming on his face and chest.

brother – All he did was post..All day, all night..You ruined our family you asshole and now I’m going to fuck your face and ass(all the boys in our family are gay shit fuckers.)I think i’ll rub some of Hitler’s shit on your moustache. You don’t have a moustache, so I’ll make one out of my pee and cum. Barnacle Jim I’m glad you died retard. You fucking little faggot bitch. You like it when I piss on you you dumbass.

Jim – im…still..alllivvee…..please stop….please…im beggin u….stop peeing on my face and cummin on it….i just wanted to ride bike……….


Categories: Fiction  /  Tags:

Larry David: I want to book a flight to the capital.

Larry David: I want to book a flight to the capital.

Travel agent: Do you have your passport?

Larry David: What?

Travel agent: You need a passport to go to Capital

Larry David: No, I want to go to the capital of Bookworld

Travel agent: I’m sorry sir, Capital is a different country

Larry David: [raising voice] Yes, I know Capital is a different country. That’s not what I said. Listen to me! It’s quite simple. I said I want to go to the capital of Bookworld, not Capital the country.

Travel agent: [thinks he heard Larry David call him a nigger]

Travel agent: [rushes offstage]

Woman that always screams: Larry you sick rat fuck piece of shit!


Categories: Fiction  /  Tags:

my favorite pastime

i cant contain my joy when participating in my favorite pastime, namely, digging through trash in the east bay with hanging with my good friend lyle fcooper. in that particular picture we found 10 rolls and 3 good heads of lettuce that we freecycled to our rowdy vegan homeless freethinker youth group. Every vegan youth homeless got a lettuce sandwich that night. I could hear gentle murmers of feels good man echo through the crowd as we ripped up the lettuce and threw it at them. i went home with lifted spirits and pockets full of coffee grounds


Categories: Fiction  /  Tags:

Cream Stoneflint

The year is 2068, and everything is in the future but the Soviet Union is still aoround, and theres badass like Stalin portraits and weird cars and stuff and all the colors everywhere are fairly fucking desaturated. Cream Stoneflint is a cybernetic detective that stumbles onto the case of a lifetime when some pigs labeled 1, 2, and 4 go missing. But where is the third…? Cream must embark on a journey through time, space, and the twisted carnage of his own psyche to find the answers he’s searching for.


Categories: Fiction  /  Tags:

Jennifer Government

Jennifer Government wakes up and immediately sees a large, well dressed man in her room. As soon as she can make out the words SAMWISE BLACKANDDECKER on his corporate badge, she notices that he’s revving an extremely high quality circular saw.

“I see you admiring the craftsmanship of this power tool that I’m holding,” says the man, “so I’m going to give you a taste of what it can do. You’ve fucked with the Avian Syndicate for the last time.”

Laughing maniacally, the crazed corporate assassin lunges at her bed with the saw running at full blast, the razor teeth like sharp metallic corn kernels. Jennifer Government rips off the sheets, exposing her smallish bosom and her delicate white panties. At the last second, she rolls out of the way, like a corn on the cob if it was rolled around somewhere. Jennifer Government plunges her hand under the mattress and deftly extracts a gleaming sai, a traditional Japanese weapon. She repeatedly plunges the well-honed blade into the back of the assassin’s neck, twisting and rending until finally, he stops moving. Blood and spinal fluid drip down the bed like a spilled can of reddish creamed corn.

At that moment, her dog Dog Government lifts his head from a deep slumber and barks compliantly from the other side of the room.

“Damn,” thought Jennifer Government, “I need to get a new watchdog!”

“No fate,” thought the dog.


Categories: Fiction  /  Tags:

Dexter

Dexter wakes up, hes in a puddle of slime and guess what. Its 1983 and Dexter teams up with Stewie from Family Guy to escape from prison and take down the leader of the KGB, until actually, it turns out hes not in prison. Its actually his own mind that he has to escape from. He discovers soime things and reveals the horrifying truth about gluten to the American public, forcing a Constitutional crisis at the highest levels of govt. Well they almost catch Dexter and he flips out, he releases a virus that turns half the population into zombies (Fast) and the other half into vampires (Sexy, daylight friendly). Cliffhanger ending is Dexter perched atop the burned Reichstag laughing as his aviators reflect a scene of thousands of sexy ass vampires wailing on an endless horde of fairly fucknig fast zombies.


Categories: Fiction  /  Tags:

Bronald Oil and Gas, LLC

In early 2010, Birdman formed an oil and gas exploration company, Bronald Oil and Gas, LLC. The company was a joint venture founded by Birdman and his brother Slim, and the name was a combination of the brothers’ first names, Bryan and Ronald. Evidence of the company’s actual business operations was scant, limited mostly to a website and the appearance of a “pumpjack” tattoo on the side of Birdman’s head.[16] The website indicated that the company’s strategy would be to first develop existing land holdings and seek out new oil and gas leases. In February 2010, Birdman told Ozone magazine that he had been in the oil business for “4 or 5 years” and was “making good money off that”.[17] However, by March 2010, Birdman had almost completely covered the pumpjack tattoo, which sparked speculation that the Bronald Oil project had stalled.[18] As of January 22, 2012, the Bronald Oil website is no longer operational.


Categories: Reality  /  Tags:

We need to anger the duck.

AP (New York) – Shares fell again today upon new worries about the emotional state of the duck we are all trying to anger. “The duck looks like he’s getting used to all the abuse,” one trader said, “we need to figure out how to really make it mad. It’s getting resigned to its fate.” Others reported that they were running out of ideas to make the duck angry.

A senior administration official claimed that the president’s new plan to throw little pellets at it from outer space would renew the nation’s leadership in angering the duck.  ”We need to anger the duck. Hit it and ruffle the shit out of it. Make it angry and watch it fume. Hose it down and yell at it. We will succeed in our task to upset this fucking duck, so help me God. Our future depends on it. Good night and God bless the United States.”

New worries are also emerging about China’s rumored laser-based system to hold a few pieces of bread just out of the duck’s reach, but Beijing could not be reached for comment.


Categories: Fiction  /  Tags:

PARENTAL CONSENT FORM (SUMMER 2010)

1. You agree to absolve Abattoir Productions Summer Camp (hereafter referred to as “summer camp”) of all liability related to physical and/or emotional damage to any and all children on our premises, including but not limited to blunt force trauma, food poisoning, uncontrollable blood loss, exposure, ear candling, bodily crushing, existential nausea, malaise, gravitational zipline complications, ritual live burial, and rugburn.

2. I’m gay

Signature of Parent/Guardian

____________________________

Date

____________________________


Categories: Fiction  /  Tags: