6 articles Tag Wayne Gretzky

its me, fatlord

oh hey internet its me, fatlord. can i please buy four pounds of weed so i never have to go outside. i will fling the money out the window at 4:06 pm. please heave the weed at me. i’ll be the one in the window thinking gay shit about stupid crap.


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Guy Fieri’s Rock-N-Roll Sushi BBQ

Seven Hamurai Roll $8.99

Sea weeds wrapped around five chicken nuggetz inside a Soy Sauce Toaster Struedle marinated in honey mayo, mayo, spice mayo, mayo mayo and hairs from a brave dog that got shot by the pig police for trying to bite president obama to stop letting gay people get in the army.

Lumberjack Snack $113.95

Guy Fieri’s signature snack dish! Doritos, whip cream, caramel, and root beer injected into a Hot Pocket drained and stuffed with the signature ingredients. This slow cooked, oven roasted delight comes with a TAPOUT T-shirt, with Quenten Rampayge Jacksen’s autograph on the back.

Let The Sushis Hit Your Mouth $13.45

One: nothing wrong with rice. Two: nothing wrong with hot dogs. Three: nothing wrong with spaghetti noodles. Four: nothing wrong with Rock Star Energy Drink Glaze and then it gets fried and served inside a miniature custom Jesse James Hogster Chopper driven to your table by a real life Midget with a tattoo of a Fucking Eagle on his fucked up midget neck


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HAMBURGER consists of ten layers of interspersed foods

This description should be concise and serious. It should inform potential buyers about the value of the product. HAMBURGER consists of ten layers of interspersed foods. Of that, at least, we can be sure. Ketchup and mustard fight on the meat. Special sauce clings to the bun. Lettuce and pickles lie. It explores flavours. Or not. Place it in your mouth or on a dirty table. It is a collection of foods describing itself and possibly other things, like for example it is a metaphor for a different food. It will one day decay into slime along with everything else, including your dad [a sentence describing the decomposition of your dad soothes you, promises you profundity]. Created in an industrial kitchen by a teen on weed. Released into the wild circa 2012. The description continues…


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Black Friday Horror

I formed an impromptu cadre with some of the others who were among the rearguard at the battle for Shitty Towels. We threw a VCR as a distraction and headed back through an empty aisle. A man in a watch cap swung a length of uprooted rebar into the wall, tearing out a ragged hunk of Walmart flesh. We recoiled in horror as he wailed beneath the smoking effluent that squeezed forth from the wound.

A woman named Susan started screaming. A 12 year old child with Spider Mans in each hand dropped one and slapped her. The child ran off. We never saw him again. Darius turned, his eyes scanning the eerily quiet corner of the store. “There”, he said, pointing to the relative calmness of the pharmacy aisle. “Are you going to be able to handle this?” I asked Hector, who had thrown up on himself, while pointing to the bubbling, screaming man in the watch cap. Hector nodded, barfily.


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communicate via text

See, what I’m going to do, right, is communicate via text, except in this special way that only certain people will get. I don’t want to just like… you know, type it out as if we were speaking, or tell you a story, or whatever because like… I just have this special like… mind-space, right, or mind-cloud, like ok picture a regular mind, and then picture one that’s slightly bigger and better, but kind of like tragic? Anyway, its good to type stupid shit like a fag. In short sentences. Recapitulating each unparsable moment. Waves crash on a crying Mexican woman. Corrito guandalte she cries to the sun. Mechanical bird


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In society, there are rules.

In society, there are rules. If you ask me about my gun in the thread where you are supposed to ask me about my gun, you will be banned. That is a rule. If my dog paddles out to me while I am swimming and sniffs me, I will shoot that dog in the mouth. This is how men build a life. If I am in my swimming trunks and I ask you what time it is and if you say Noon and then later I find that it is in fact Dusk, I will kill you with a Long Sword. Rules, consequences, Gun, safety, shark terror: these things I believe.


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