Ok, first off I’d like to make it clear that Darfur War Orphans would love to have my life, first world problems and all. I make plenty of money, have a nice warm house, etc etc. Now for my issues.

A little backstory: I have been dating this girl for 2 years now, we met at a local over-30 singles party and I took her back to my truck, long story short we moved in together and lived happily ever after; until now.

Recently the GF has been making little remarks about my looks. Full disclosure: I’m not a bad looking guy, I have been called handsome and I stay in shape by riding bikes and playing a little frolf on the weekends. But I’m really sensitive about my face. I was diagnosed with Fragile X syndrome, a disease that basically makes you have a really long and gay looking face. Even my best friends like to poke fun at it, the boys at the office like to kick my ass and fuck me and cum on me, but my girlfriend was always considerate. Lately though, this isnt the case; it started with little remarks, she would just say “Why the long face?” when I looked sad, or casually measure my face length with a carpenter’s square while we were in bed. I tried to play it off but I had to admit it bothered me a bit, no big deal though right?

It got worse. I got suspicious so I hacked her email (yes, I know that was wrong) and saw that she was just chatting with all her friends about how I am a long faced fag and a fucked up bitch. They were sending pictures of me to each other and photoshopping them onto long objects, basically just being a bunch of bitches behind my back. She even told them about my moist baby dick (I have comparitively small and moist genitalia) and said it looked like a chewed-up ass wet piece of Wrigley’s got stuck to my pube mound. I honestly didnt know she could be so petty.

She’s getting home from work in a few hours and she doesn’t know I snooped in her email. She is going to come through the door with her typical “LONG day at work” joke and I will be fuming mad, I’m considering just packing my bikes and my dildos and leaving the house for a while until I can cool down. The men in the sauna at the local YMCA like to abuse me and tease my crack, so I could probably hang out there for a few nights but that’s not really a Long term solution. I’m not ready to give up this 3 year relationship quite that easily! Goons, what the hell should I do?