Take my wife, please! Haha, I’m getting really good at saying that in all kinds of situations because we’ve “agreed” (HEAVILY AIRQUOTING WITH MY FAT UNLOVABLE FINGERS IN FRONT OF MY MONITOR RIGHT NOW) to an open marriage so she doesn’t have to look at my disgusting, bloated body or smell my “phismological problems” as her and my therapist have pejoratively termed it. It is EXTREMELY difficult for me to get the smegma out of there and she KNOWS I’m very sensitive about it, but those two clowns can’t help but yuk it up. Anyway, I’m getting the last laugh because she lets me sit in whenever she has sex with my coworker Steve, but secretly I’m jacking off to him not her. We “agreed” not to feel jealous but I know this would tear her up if she knew, so I’m saving this bomb for next time she asks me to get rid of my Transformers collection. So, other tight foreskin goons, do you have any masturbation tips for pain free pleasure? Share them here!