I’m working on an art DVD and I would like to have a brief porn segment on it. I’ve invented a series of non-penetrating sex moves that I would like to showcase and I am looking to hire goons from the DMV area who would be willing to perform them. I haven’t finished writing the film, but I have a number of ideas. The first is that it’s just a general showcase of the sex moves, which I think would be cool and good enough. My other idea is called “The Plymouth Rock Sexual Encounter” and depicts a sexual ritual performed by a Native American and my ancestor William Bradford, who was a pilgrim, a signer of the Mayflower Compact, the second governor of the Plymouth colony, and a powerful rapist (according to my story).

I am looking for people who are dumpy, ugly, and gross. Although I will not rule out people who are attractive, I would prefer people who are repulsive. Additionally, I will pay extra if you have bizarre/funny physical deformities or require a wheelchair. I am looking for a man and a woman, although depending on how the writing process goes I could hire two men or two women. If I only get a single applicant, I also have started writing a film called “Lone Jacker”.

I have not finished inventing the sex moves yet so I may invent some penetrating ones. Most of the moves so far incorporate very long balls, and I will pay extra if you have them.

Just so you have an idea of what I’d like to do with this, here are a few of the moves I’ve invented.

Pendulous Breast Swing – Breasts swing pendulously.
Pendulous Ball Swing – Balls swing pendulously.
Sexual Crab Walk – People do the crab walk and I zoom in and out on their genitals.
Gut Shake – Fat woman shakes her gut.
Squat and Stroke – A guy squats and strokes his balls.
My Big Fat Greek Scrotum – Similar to Pendulous Ball Swing but less shaking and more zooming in and out. Requires a Greek participant.
Warm Cheese Melt – A warm piece of cheese is melted on an erect dick. If it melts too slow we’ll use time-lapse.
Sexual Shouts – Everyone just shouts for a while.
Jazz Pisser – We piss all over the hotel room to jazz music and don’t clean it up.
…and many more.

I guess these moves are a little undignified, so if any applicants would like, I could either just not film their face or put a mosaic over it or whatever. This isn’t supposed to be sexual or anything, even though it shows the manipulation of sex organs. Also, this will be about 3 to 4 minutes max and is only a small part of what is on the DVD.

Anyway, I’m still taking applications so please send them.