199 articles Articles posted in Reality

he’s just drafting

I was walking to work this morning when this 6″2 dude with square jaw and strong chin came out of nowhere. he’s dragging a luggage plus a laptop bag but he was outwalking me. I generally walk pretty fast but this guy was outpacing me so i tried to keep up by walking immediately behind him to minimise air resistance. After walking like that for a while he noticed and asked me why i was walking so close behind him and i told him i was drafting. He just went “oh ok” and kept on going. After even more he arrived at an office building and was greeted by a stacy who asked me who i was. Chad said i was just drafting as i said thank you and kept walking. In the distance i heard stacy said “something something weirdo” and Chad said “he’s just drafting”.

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going in a different direction

A company I was interested in just flew me out for an interview. It was on the other side of the country so they paid for my flight and hotel. Unfortunately, the interview went disastrously. I blew every question and I could tell that they didn’t like me personally.

When I got to the airport for my return flight, I was unable to get my boarding pass. The agent told me that my ticket was cancelled by the buyer for a partial refund. Despite my persistence, they assured me that there wasn’t a mistake.

I called the company to tell them there was a mix-up, but they just told me they decided they would “going in a different direction”. I told them I was fine that I didn’t get the job, but I didn’t have a flight home. They just repeated the same “going in a different direction” phrase and told me they couldn’t help me. After calling back 3 or 4 times, they told me to stop harassing them.

I’m completely broke due to poor financial decisions (that’s a different story), so I can’t afford a last minute plane ticket. It doesn’t help that this is a small airport, so ticket prices are high. So basically I’ve been stuck at the airport for the past 3 days. Yesterday, my credit card started being declined, so I’ve had to eat scraps from other customers.

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jessica alba table read

the only good S&S story i have is from going to one in venice.  jessica alba was in line and a friend of mine told me she was at a table read for some movie w/ jessica alba, jon hamm, and some other people.  i guess jalba is functionally illiterate so the table read was incredibly slow and tedious.  they broke for coffee and some ppl were standing around w/ jon hamm but no one was saying anything and then jon hamm broke the silence by saying, “boy that jessica alba sure can’t read.”

Categories: Reality

workplace halloween

Virtually no one is our office dressed up, which I wasn’t expecting but it made sense. It was me, one new girl who wore a kitty ear headband and a set of cheap fairy wings, and several of my female managers, all of whom went all out. Everyone in my office has strong resentment for our managers for reasons mentioned above and I ended up winning the vote because of it. (The headband girl won 2nd).

I was told that I’d be sent my prize via direct deposit yesterday. I did not, and instead got an email explaining that I was being terminated for abuse of the office dress code. When I called my manager for clarification, she said that my costume clearly violated dress code. After I asked what rule it was that I broke she told me that “I knew what it was” and was hung up on.

Categories: Reality

the juice of Bats and Supes

Basically I was watching the trailer the other night with my girlfriend’s fourteen year old half hispanic son. When it ends he’s just like whatever about it and I’m super stoked.

I close my laptop and I’m trying to get him to feel the juice of Bats and Supes and he doesn’t even make eye contact and just starts dicking around with his phone. So I grab him by the shirt and I say “That Son of a Bitch brought the war to us!” in my best Bats right in his face.

There was a tussle, I thought we were just horsing around but apparently I took it too far. I’m kind of in the dog house but I also feel like I’m kind of in the right because this movie looks amazing and I think most families would enjoy acting out Bats vs Supes. Are kids just not into this stuff anymore?

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cool david grohl story

cool david grohl story: a guy i know got drunk at a bar and met a guy who claimed to be dave grohl. the guy took him back to his house and got in the hottub with him and stroked him off and did gay shit to him claiming it was okay because he was dave grohl. Well he wasn’t dave grohl

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i just want to be one of the guys

New jobs going great, reintegration into society is rough & making a lot of friends but its so painful. Every coworker has Whatsapp, first thing I did after I remember I had it installed was change my pic from Adolf hitler to a “cool” selfie. Think like “The c00L Guy” mixed with a bit of cold seriousness. Lol. Working on fake lahghs on master chief collection lobbies, someone at the kuerig machine will reference the office or colbert vid the next day etc, have to come off genuine ive fucked this up before by looking to jaded. “AaHhaha whats wrong newguy, no sense of humor??? How about i toss a phantom fireworks smokebomb into the upstairs lounge, flushing u all out downstairs into the snackroom where im waiting w a modded M1A socom that accept drum mags lmfao, i will fucking laugh genuinly then. til then its just agonizing ‘ahah’ and chuckles when someone brings up how some qb ive never heard of fumbles a ball. hard to turn the convo into how about ghost in the shell was fromfucking 1995, and look at the world now, I usually get a meme on my whatsapp and I reply w/ “Lel” or ‘lulz where u find this shit ‘ (pretending to not know eveyrhting), lmaooo, etc, every kek killing me inside slowly, like being a MGS4 clone, but instead its a cutcopy of someone from society., i just want to be one of the guys.

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pretty typical christmas

Lmao but really, it was a pretty typical christmas.  tried to do the thing where u get all nostalgic and play all the old games you used to on past christmas breaks. but itd been so long since i last blazed and all the other sh*t going on i just couldnt pull my self up by the boot straps to click a .exe or put a old disc in.  well i could have don that but sold all my old systems + games for scratchoffs lmao.  i did actually loot my junk drawwer in a last ditch attempt to find a smokeable abount for a bowl.  which turned out to be a jellybean sized mass of shake & scratch off flakes (this literally took like an hour).after finding my old bucket bong oin the side yard covered in mold & dirt and hosing the mosquito nest out i got absolutely ripped .  fired up skyrim and spent like 2 hrs trying to find the top of the mountain but holy shit , it was just surreal… til i realized i didnt completely uninstall the nude mod from years ago and was geting pummeled by an ice troll w/ a 2 foot weiner lmao.  3 hrs later im eating breakfast w/ relatives, i cant stop thinking of “top kek” & other memes for some reason, everyone asks what im thinkin about and if i wasnt stonned i prob would have justtried to explain top kek, lel, lulz , unironically,but i was able to stop myself and just say what a great christmas its been.,

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child support checks

Do I have to accept a child support check covered in literal shit or otherwise if it is made elaborately hard to get? (self.legaladvice)

In the last year, he has stuck the check in an actually bucket of slop, he has stuck it in a zip lock baggie of dog shit, he has taped it to my roof, he has tried to get me to play an elaborate scavenger hunt, he has driven to my son’s elementary school on a day that isn’t his custody day and stuck in my son’s backpack and not told anyone and when I asked him where it was he has said ” guess where?” which lead to an elaborate search of the house and two days of a guessing game (it was well hidden in a tiny pocket in the backpack and my son had no idea his dad even put anything in there, he has buried it in my back yard with my son’s help, he has hand delivered to my HR department at work with “for the bitch” on the envelope, paid me cash in all $1, he has threatened to pay me in change (which he has not done yet), and he has written me 350 different checks for $1 each.

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talking to girls

and then, ah whate could italke with a girl about anyway. she’d be like, i just went to the mall. i’d say , i spend my days reading european novels in translation about the death of the human animal, it’s thoughts in the process of dying. two of them, which i read sequentially, were about roman’s dying, virgial and hadrian, respectivally. ooh let’s go to yogurt land she’d say. erm, did you know that the capitalist system is built upon the corpses of hundreds of millions of dead chinese, indians [dot and fether], languages, and europes own working classes. ooh i love juicy coture she’d ssay. did you know [mameshiba voice] fisheries and coastal reefs are collapsing at a rate not seen since the mesozoic. ahaha i just love listening to music it makes me feel so good, she’d say, turning up kesha. i am unable to act. i am unable to move. the only decision i make on a daily basis is to masturbate, imagining performing “paizuri” on haruhi suzumiya, an anime female. but even that is merely the absurd, pathetic end result of a series of stupid, inane, unknowable events that began 10^(-14) seconds after the big bang began, when quantum mechanics as such came into being. let’s watch the new steve carell movie she’d say

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