This weekend I am slowly paying off ~$1,500 of debt accumulated from buying stupid video game bullshit. I own a car, but am reliant on my mother to pay for its’ repairs. I pay for my own gas. I am financially dependent on my mother for just about everything. She refers to me as a parasite but continues to allow me to live in her house and pays for all my stuff.  I live my my mom, my aunt, and seven cats. The house is pretty gross, especially by the computer desk or any place where I frequent. My car is filled with a one year accumulation of garbage. My mom works a good job full time, my aunt is a schizophrenic, morbidly obese gambling addict and chain-smoker. My mother is emotionally distant and has never been in a relationship that lasted more than a few months.  I’m 5’11” and weight 250 lbs. I have gynecomastia, and I would say that it is the most intolerable trait I possess; as a consequence I own maybe two outfits because I hate shopping for clothes. I am so disgusted by the way I look that I instinctively turn my head away when walking by a mirror. It’s automatic, like breathing. On nights where I don’t have to work I usually don’t shower. I live an extemely sedentary lifestyle. When I play video games I usually pick female characters, I think I identify as a woman because of my gynecomastia on a subconscious level or something.  The only person who comes to my house is my cousin. He is on SSI and comes around almost daily to collect my house’s stockpile of soda cans. His favorite activities are walking around downtown gathering soda cans from the garbage to buy a beer with, picking up discarded cigarette butts to make rolled cigarettes out of, and spending all of his weekly SSI spending money on a bag of weed. When he comes around he never shuts the fuck up, whining about how he wishes his SSI check out hurry up and arrive for the week. He also likes to not so subtly manipulate me to get me to buy weed in the hopes that i’ll smoke it with him (I quit when applying for my current job because they drug test and because I want to get my life together, in that order) I can’t just tell him to fuck off and not come around because my mother allows him to come over. To be pragmatic I try to politely keep him at arms length. I do not have any contact with the rest of my family; they think I am a dangerous, disgusting pervert because my mom and aunt told the rest of our family about my porn browsing habits. Ageplay, degrading BDSM, objectification of women variety of stuff (nothing illegal.. very obscene though); It likely is because I feel powerless and resent my own attraction to women because I am generally undesirable. One of my cousins insulted me about my gynecomastia and told me to kill myself at the last family function I bothered attending.  I have a cold, blunt affect. One acquaintance I had just met told me that my face is expressionless like I have aspergers or something. Overall my mental health is about what you’d expect. I don’t really know how to classify myself. I was seeing a therapist but quit going because they put me on antipsychotics and i’d have certainly killed myself for sure if I had stayed on those while the psychotherapy itself was worthless. The only good thing about going to counseling was them helping me find my current job.  I own a treadmill and a squat rack, and I also bought some of Mark Rippetoe’s books (Practical Programming for Strength Training and some manual used for a trainer to teach the mechanics of the powerlifts). I haven’t really made much of an effort to work out though, my diet is shit and I feel miserable all of the time, like if I can’t have a normal social life then what’s the point of trying?