8 articles Tag g0m

introverts vs extroverts

Introverts prefer no vegetables on their pizza. They like pepperoni, beef, and spicy chicken. Meanwhile, extroverts open the empty pizza box and bite by bite take pizza slices out of theyre mouths and assemble the full pizza in the box before handing it to the pizza delivery guy who pays the extrovert before walking backwards to his car and driving away in reverse

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sherlock holmes walked in, paused, and looked me up and down

A slight crooked smile played upon the famouse detective’s lips – even after all these years, he still had a flair for the dramatic, and relished the chance to show off his talents. “Elementary, my dear chap. First, the angle on your trousers’ pleats is quite high, and appears to have been adjusted from a sitting position, probably while cross legged. A precarious position – for most men. This tells me that your dick is incredibly small, and that youve probably never had sex. From the callous on your thumb and forefinger, we can deduce that you jack off to hentea manga every night, and that you occasionally do it wrong and accidentally hurt your small dick. Here, we can extrapolate to how retarded you must be. Finally, from your gayness I can deduce how much of ahomo you are.” The detective paused, stood back, and smiled rakishly, but not unkindly. His ever-present confidante spoke up: “No matter how many times I see you do it, Holmes, it still amazes me. Extraordinary.”

Holmes walked up to me, peering intently at me for some time before pointing at my chest. I stood, awkwardly, unsure whether or not I should speak. “There are traces of what seems to be a type of soil local to the Spanish countryside on your shirt”, he remarked, after a period of silence, “Have you, by any chance, taken a holiday abroad recently?” “What? No, I-” I looked down at my shirt, to confirm Holmes’ observation, but was swiftly interrupted by the man’s finger sharply moving upwards, against my chin and mouth before flicking my nose. Dr. Watson shook his head, flabbergasted. “Remarkable. Truly remarkable.”

Holmes slowly walked around the perimeter of the scene, taking mental note of each suspicious nook and cranny. A most peculiar mystery – a pile of butchered pig organs had been discovered inside at Westminster Abbey, soiled with what officers at the scene reported to be human excrement. To make the case even more perplexing, this disgusting tableau was found inside the locked vestry, with no-one inside. No escape, no suspect, and no motive… a classic locked room case. Holmes reached into his pocket, withdrew his trusty magnifying glass, and began to take a closer look at the pile. For nigh-on fifty minutes, he examined the mound of viscera from every conceivable angle, taking great care to check every inch. Finally, he stood up straight, straightened his jacket, and pointed confidently at the pile. “That’s me”, the legendary detective announced

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Funny computer joke for programmers

A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another. A lady walking by notices him and says

“Hey, don’t you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn’t you see the giant warning on the box?!”

“That’s OK” says the guy, puffing casually “I’m a computer programmer”

“So? What’s that got to do with anything?”

“I’m the world’s gayest and most retarded piece of shit. I’m so pathetic and no one likes me. I smell really bad all the time and I hate eating vegetables but I love computers sooo much… my tiny ichthyosis dick gets hard when it sees a fresh new computer screen or high tech gadget”

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Not being humiliated at supermarket

The can switcheroo
Me: Excuse me, do you know where the cans are.
Shop worker: in aisle three sir… uhh, do you seriously not know where the cans are? That’s really embarrassing.
Me: Actually, I do know where the cans are. I was just testing you to see if you knew, to keep you on your toes. And hey – good job.

The ol’ pasta sauce gambit
Shop worker: Excuse me sir. I rushed over after hearing the sound of glass breaking, and I note that you are now standing next to a smashed bottle of pasta sauce. Could you please explain what happened.
Me: Sure – a big guy smashed the pasta sauce and ran away. He was really fast, so you probably won’t catch him.
Shop worker: Ah, word up sir. It’s a pity I didn’t get here in time to catch the culprit.

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Birdwatching Quiz

1. have you ever seen a bird before
a. No
b. Yes – and i Fucking Hated it
c. I was filled with glee

Mostly as: your not a birdwatcher
Mostly bs: your not a birdwatcher
Mostly cs: congratulations, you just might be a birdwatcher! People hate you while you look at birds.

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never lived with an s/o before

Hi e/n, well I’ll get right to it, I’ve never lived with an s/o before and there are three main areas with which I need advice

1. the toilet seat – we’ve all seen the sitcom jokes but I think it could be an actual problem

2. How can we best keep our autonomy in such close quarters without shutting each other out completely?

3. My two cats (Terezi and Jake the Dog) take dry food three times a day and wet food twice a day (day divided into thirds and halves respectively) while his cat (Expensive HDMI cable) takes a dry food/wet food mix Mon-Fri and wet four times In weekends. When Expensive HDMI cable hears a loud noise, she immediately runs to an adjacent room that contains no cat and urinates. <see Appendix 1: rules for urination> If a room contains two cats, each cat will become agitated, unless an adjacent room contains a third cat. Each cat MUST change rooms upon agitation unless it has recently eaten wet food

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How to approach a girl: a guide

1) get your “game face” on and don’t be a creep
2) Do NOT sperg out.
3) Your fedora? Yeah, might want to leave that at home, champ.
4) Rape = no.
5) Throw some siracha on that bitch (edit: turns out I accidentally left this in from another of my guides but I’ve gotten some feedback saying that it is actually a really good icebreaker)

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Jockey approaching no.1 place in the big race

ahhh yeah I’m doing it, I’m doing it, I nearly accomplished it. I’m going to be number one of the big horse race. Just need to hit this weird thin cow a few more times and I’ll get a fancy rosette and a kiss from the mayor. Yeah yeah I love this I’m going nearly as fast as a terrible car

Tv horse correspondent: well, youve won all the biggest racing trophies in the land, bagging yourself a tidy $5 million and all the slop your beast could eat. How do you feel [jabs mic sharply forwards]
Jockey [in a fake happy voice]: Yeah, this is definitely better than being tall. I don’t even care about that.

Jockey: I’m going to ride you like a filly in heat
Wife: Oh god, none of the horse stuff tonight please. We were having such a nice time.
Jockey: roll on your stomach I want to sit on top of you
Wife: Thomas I’m begging you. Please.
Jockey: *sweating* feed you oats after, from an old bag

Ahh.. the freedom of going in a straight line all day, the fresh air of sitting on top of an animal that shits and farts all day, the excersise from sitting on a big moving chair all day, the emotional companionship of an animal tgat has to be stopped from looking to the side because otherwise it would run into a fence and die instantly

[whispering to the horse] youd be nothing without me motherfucker. youd be glue without me. dont forget it.

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